Sorry for the radio silence, Batshitters, but I’ve spent much of the last month in a depressive slump, making it hard to get things done. “Why so serious?” you ask? Oh, just watching Australia piss its future down the drain, no biggie…
I need some cheering up, and if you’re reading this I’ll assume you do too. So let’s share some LOLs as we ruthlessly mock 6 Politicians With Alien Connections.
1. Jimmy Carter
Former President Jimmy Carter saw a UFO when he visited Leary, Georgia in 1969 (presumably to appear as guest of honour at a peanut-farming symposium). He’s told the story in numerous interviews, including this one on Larry King Live:
Carter reported the incident to Oklahoma City’s International UFO Bureau in 1973, and an investigation was carried out in 1976. Only one other person recalled seeing anything in the sky that night; an object they described as “some kind of weather balloon” (just like the crash at Roswell. How many of those things do you need, America?).
While Carter has repeatedly stated that he does NOT believe he saw an alien spacecraft, during his presidential campaign he promised that if elected he would release all information regarding UFO sightings. This didn’t happen, probably because Carter was faffing about with his duties as Leader of the Free World. Whatever, J-Dog!
2. Paul Hellyer
Former Canadian Defence Minister Paul Hellyer believes there are 80 different alien species zipping around the universe, four of which have been visiting Earth for thousands of years. Their hobbies include dressing as nuns so they can go shopping in Vegas (because how else would you disguise yourself if you wanted to go unnoticed in Sin City?) and ripping off Star Trek (see the Prime Directive).
While the prospect of a ’60s Defence Minister (even a Canadian one) confirming the existence of intelligent, butt-probing life sounds promising, unfortunately Hellyer does not have any first-hand proof to back up his claims. He has never met an alien, and while a couple of UFO reports landed on his desk back in the day, he never investigated any of them. In fact, Hellyer’s own belief seems to be based entirely upon his reading of The Day After Roswell, as well as the fact that he’s about a hundred years old. A bit of a shame, really, because I respect his Fin Review-style message of WORLD IS FUKT.
3. Ronald Reagan
Former President Ronald Reagan must have been a dream come true for the National Enquirer. He followed Astrology (to the extent that he and his wife Nancy installed a full-time advisor after the assassination attempt) and believed Abraham Lincoln’s ghost haunted the White House. He also had two close encounters, the first of which occurred while he was on his way to a party thrown by Lucille Ball. According to actress Shirley MacLaine, Ronald and Nancy watched a spaceship land and an ET occupant emerge. The visitor spoke with the couple and recommended that Ronald give up acting and enter politics, a story that puts a serious hole in the theory of “advanced” alien intelligence.
Evidently these encounters left quite an impression on Reagan, as many of his speeches mentioned aliens and space invasions. Have a listen while I check if he has a screenwriting credit in Independence Day:
4. John Key
Great news, guys – New Zealand Prime Minister John Key is NOT a Reptilian alien. Phew!
After Auckland man Shane Warbrooke made a freedom of information request for “Any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke-style shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement,” Keys sought the advice of a doctor and a vet, both of whom confirmed his dull humanity. At least, that’s what he says! I agree with this blog – if Keys is a Lizard Man hell-bent on world domination, he’s probably not going to admit it.
5. Nixon (does he even need a first name?)
This… I don’t even have to… WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
Former President (and current head in a jar) Nixon was well known for his love of sports, but it seems not even he could maintain interest in a full game of golf. After playing a few holes with actor Jackie Gleason (aka Ralph Kramden, domestic violence enthusiast and inspiration for Fred Flintstone), the conversation turned to the subject of UFOs. Later that evening, Nixon turned up unexpectedly at Gleason’s home and offered to show him something. The President then drove the unauthorised, unqualified, civilian entertainer to Homestead Air Force Base, where he showed him some mangled alien corpses. This would have allowed him to tick yet another achievement off his World’s Shittest President to-do list.
According to Gleason’s then-wife, the frightened actor confided in her when he returned home, asking her not to repeat the story to anyone. Unfortunately for him, she spilled the beans in an interview she gave during their separation period, which pissed Gleason off enough to end the marriage once and for all. It was only when he got upset that she wondered if he might have made the whole thing up…
6. Simon Parkes
Whitby Councillor Simon Parkes claims he is abducted four times a year so that he can have sex with his alien wife, with whom he shares a child named Zarka. He experienced his first alien contact while still in the womb, and his first physical encounter at the age of six months. He also lost his virginity to a space hologram when he was five.
Apparently the reason for the intergalactic interest in Parkes is not his awe-inspiring comb-over, but the fact that he himself is part alien. His “true” mother is a 2.7m tall Reptilian who… Wait, aren’t Reptilians the bad guys? And he’s admitting being one? Why isn’t David Icke dissecting, or at least interrogating, him right now?
Here’s a two-hour interview conducted by Project Avalon. I think I got to about 1hr 45min before my brain snapped.
Still feeling depressed? Leave a comment to vote for the politician you’d most like to see abducted and probed.